Tuesday, August 24, 2010
1:15 AM
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Why i feel single life is better? Because i feel happier somehow. No more arguments No more cries No more beggings No more shoutings. No more empty promises.
If i love something, i won't give up working my best to get it. Just like my dreams. I love it. I won't give up searching for it.
You just don't love me. It is a fact.
You just buy things for me to fulfill my needs. You don't care what you buy. You buy for the sake of buying. There is not much thought on things you give me.
What have i bought you that you don't use and see everyday?
I took a week to look for your presents. I drove all the way to shah alam, to Faber Towers, to Puchong. Your birthday, i took a month to think of what to give you. I pestered your room mate. I made your cake. I customized your gift. I stayed awake till late at night to wrap your presents. Decorating stickers on it. I never knew how to make origami love shapes. I watched video until i know how to make dem. I made our 6mths video until 3am in the morning; i was so glad it turned out so nice. I walked the whole mall to look for the photoframes. Took me a whole night to select the pictures that i wanted to print out. When i was cleaning the room yesterday; the pictures fell off... it only felt of memories.
My 19th birthday was a disaster; you telling me you won't be with me during my birthday. My present wasn't wrapped. My card was empty & best of all you tell me its recyclable. I won't question if the plastic is worth Rm 50 because i know you like frisbee disc. But you said the cake was "sponge cake" and not worth your money.
I don't need you to buy me starbucks I don't need baskin robbins I don't need all this materialistic things.
I just want you to give in your heart when u treat me. I waited for a year and a half. I still waited for a few more weeks. I waited and waited.. Until i've made up my mind.
Some chances only come once in a lifetime. If you've missed yours then its over. Its too late to regret on things you should've done earlier.
Hey baby, You know i really gave you my heart throughout it all. I really thought you were the one. I still remembered 1yr & a half ago on our 3rd date i told you i wanted to go ice skating & after a year and a half. We haven't yet entered the rink. Until now; i don't think we'd have the chance anymore. You know baby; you've never wrapped me a present before? Honestly, do you realize whenever on saturdays when you come down i'd feel moody at first? Because you were never punctual. And when you are late it means i'd spend less time with you. Baby, I know you love to watch movies; all this while it is just to accompany you. I don't have that extra favourtism on cinema.. i don't have to be in the mall. I don't have the need to squeeze yr wallet dry, i'm not that kind. You've never really planned our outings before... & i've always hated that you never tell me your plans earlier. You'd always tell me last minute; hey i'm going for frisbee later. Your game is much much more important than me. Trust me. I know thats the truth. It hurts me even more when you told me during primary & secondary you've made things for your crushes. Yet i've been your gf for the past 547 days and i got nothing.
I've got no intentions to control you. I just think you should study more during exam time, i know how last minute you were. Yet i know how much you don't want to disappoint your mum. I know how tired you would be. I know you'd be gone for at least 3 hours. I know and i think for you. If you think that is so controlling; really i've got nothing to say. But i know you hated it.
I think your place is quite dangerous at night; i asked you to go out way earlier den your normal habits. Yet again, you hated it. I've already stopped controlling when you weren't so out of control.
Baby, i just hate it when you drink. Especially you are the one driving. I love you and i don't want you to risk your life and other people's. I knew you hated it. I knew you hated telling me you'll be drinking. I don't get it why you like to get drunk so much. I can't find another reason except that our relationship is that bad.. until getting drunk makes you think less and feel happier.
Rest of it, i've never controlled you before. I give you all the trust. I've never checked your hp msges before. I've never logged on to your hotmail or whatever although i know you password; because.. hey, i know everyone needs their own privacy.
I'm sorry, i have not been the perfect gf..
But right till the end, just if you are thinking. I never cheated on you before. It took me two days since sunday to clear my feelings before i could tell you on Wednesday. Because right till now nothing happened.
Thats why i feel no guilt. But everything is too late to be returned to normal.
I warned you. You just didn't bother, baby. You could only be blaming yourself. It sometime fears me how true my feelings can be..
You don't regret this relationship. But i think i do.
8:40 PM
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All of you could be summarized in half of my small drawer. You still don't understand. But its okay. Because i give up in making you understand.
I don't want you to feel "used" That is why I never admitted anything. I am the problem; not you ... really. I lost trust in a relationship.. all of it. I don't find commitment something important anymore. I feel that i could live w/o a man beside me.
I've grown in this month to be a different person. I realize i can take care of myself. I'm not any weak girl you see. I'm no longer that small girl; who longs for someone to give her love. Because I've seen how selfish & calculative one can be.
I didn't answer you when you asked me certain sensitive questions is because i don't want to make empty promises anymore. Really, i cannot see the future; i won't know what is going to happen. Just like in the past; I've made ONE empty promise.. i regret saying it. Back then at age 15; i said i would never use the word 'forever'. I said it. But, i did the reverse of it..
I am the one with the biggest problem. Honest. You're just fine. Believe me you are.
Thanks again for the below =]
Hope you've cleared your mind in church today.. bet you did; because i did! ^^
P/s: Lucky no mad man scolding ppl this week haha!
Friday, August 20, 2010
3:09 PM
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It is easy to look for a good guy; but it is never easy to look for the right one. I know you're trying to change yourself to suit me and its getting tougher. If it is so hard for the both of us might as well we put an end to it now? Maybe then things would be better. You are trying so hard and i think you're not up to my expectations. and we both feel so hard to keep up already...
Like what my friend said "hey at least you're not married yet"
If it is hard for you to keep up with me now, i'm sure its going to be harder for you in the future. You just need a simple life. But i always think differently. What i've told you is not just a dream; i never took it like a joke; i want to make it reality.
I want to be the director of my own company in the future; i want a MNC. I don't know if i can make it; but if i don't try i'll never know. I want to drive big cars and have a big house. I want to pamper my kids in the future. I want to be able to give them whatever they ask from me next time. I will allow my kids to turn bad. Its okay. Because then, they'll see the world. They will mature faster than others.
I say this because I've once been through it. I found that i think differently. And honestly i think all successful businessmen/women always have a "history" behind them. I believe in the future i will be sitting at their place telling my own story. I believe i can do it.
My life story is a big and thick book of experience. There are painful moments; & things i saw that i wished not to.. but i believe it pushes me further, it makes me tougher, it makes me stronger by nature.. It makes me who I am.
I am the weirdest girl you'll ever find. I play computer games like a guy. I curse & swear. I don't wear make up. I don't often wear heels. Slippers are more of me. I love driving (more like speeding) I love cars. I don't follow latest fashion. I do shop but totally not like a girl. (accounting sickness) What are beauty products? Lotion? i barely put on my skin -_- I hate house chores but i can always repair cupboard, lamps, lights, beds and computer -_- if i have the strength i wouldn't mind repairing a car :) I love electronics. Reading story books :) AND comics :P Anime is sooo me :D
I like climbing hills when i was younger. I didn't give up when i fall down. It was real pain. But i was real stubborn.
I guess thats me.. I won't give up searching for my dreams. And i believe one day i will reach the top of the hill and say.. Look i made it. This is to myself.
Ps: Off to Work :)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
10:45 PM
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Maybe its time for me to give up on you after all. You don't understand me at all. I gave you 1 week and a half to prove yourself to me. You didn't.
You just proved how much you don't understand me; even after what I've told you so far. No efforts, No changes, taking things for granted. Thats you.
Sunday; a very important day. You remembered nothing. Yet you can still ask me why?
Please ask yourself, how important i am to you first. From the day you tried to push me away. I assure you is the day you no longer loved me.
Yes, i sometimes control you. But its usually for your own good. Yes, i sometimes want to have more time with you because i don't see you often. Thats because i want you to know i love you and needed you by my side all the time. You felt different & think differently instead.
You always say u prioritize me. Like I always say; don't actions jst speak louder than words? Your actions never say the same.
You never really put in your heart. You never gave me sincerity.
Maybe never isn't the right word. I would say you did. But that was before i became your gf. You took 3 hrs to come down and see me. Yes, that point i saw yr sincerity; thats why i fall for you. But as time grew; i see less... rather close to None from you.
Baby, i loved you. Really did. A lot. Its just fading more and more. I can write 100 reasons why i love you in 30 min. You can't do the same for me.
I Lov-ed You. Past tense.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
9:16 PM
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You really don't have to read my blog! It is MY THINKING. & I like writing - I wrote for myself to read not for anyone else! so fuck off! if it disturbs you so much okay?
You NEVER grew up; YOU never matured; YOU SCREWED UP EVERY FUCKING CHANCE I GAVE YOU. DON'T YOU DARE COME FUCK WITH MY LIFE ANYMORE!!
a) You blame ANYTHING around you BUT YOURSELF! You blame the mall; You blame the date You blame the DAY You blame the time YOU BLAME the people YOU EVEN BLAME GOD! BUT YOU NEVER REFLECT UPON YOURSELF!!
b) When i did something wrongly i took the initiative to buy you gifts and wrote a sorry card for you. YOU NEVER DID THE SAME BUT YOU JUST FUCKING BLAME THIS, BLAME THAT! YOU NEVER APPRECIATE THINGS I GAVE YOU! YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE THAT THE SORRY CARD I BOUGHT YOU WAS THE SAME ONE YOU BOUGHT FOR ME WITHOUT WRITINGS INSIDE! IT IS SO FUCKING INSINCERE!!
c) I have NEVER cried on my birthday before! thanks for making me remember this one best birthday EVER! THANK YOU.
d) I WOULD NEVER TOUCH THE GAME CALLED FRISBEE ANYMORE THANKS TO YOU AGAIN! FUCK THAT SHITTY GAME. I have NO TALENT at all! I can't even throw a stupid DISC properly. Yes you are right! i am fucking dumb!
e) " this is my 1st relationship i don't know what to do" Fuck you! Do you think this is my 100th relationship? i would know what to do ALL THE TIME?
f) Since the start of the relationship I've already told you I love soft toys! but it never was something you realized. "if i buy you more you'll be sleeping on the floor" damn you.
g) How much do you understand me? Why every time you just don't support my ideas? when my Dad is also supportive with me!! Why when i tell you about work; i'm stressed why do you have to always say you are going through something worst?! why can't you just simply say hang on there; i know its hard for you! IS THAT SO HARD TO SAY? OR ARGUING WITH ME IS SO DAMN FUN WHEN I AM ALL STREESED UP?
h) 10 times when i'm sick i CARE ABOUT MYSELF! WHAT DID I DO TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE SICK? I don't think i have to explain? driving down 40min to make sure you're okay texting yr roommate; wipe sweat for you every 30min when you are having fever; made sure you ate medicine!! 4-5am I WOKE UP JUST TO call you REMIND YOU TO EAT MEDICINE! EVEN THOUGH I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE WITH YOUR PARENTS.
AND YET YOU CAN CLAIM! "you know how worried i am when you're sick?" *with the FRUSTRATED TONE* honestly i DON'T KNOW!! i remembered last year when i was sick you barely bothered; you barely called me. I almost cried waiting for your call! its like you don't even care if i died. This year when i'm sick
1st sms - tonite bring u see doctor ( after i said i don't need ) 2nd sms - lets go for movie.
I AM SICK, I KNOW YOU WANTED TO GO FOR A MOVIE WIF ME SINCE A LONG TIME AGO; I AGREED & I SACRIFICED MY RESTING TIME TO WATCH THE MOVIE WITH YOU! I SNEEZED THROUGHOUT THE BLARDY 2 HOURS!!
NEXT DAY I BECAME WORST! and again YOU ASKED ME FOR A MOVIE. DO YOU REALLY CARE?? YOU ARE WORRIED?? hahaha *laughing*
i) YOU LOST YOUR FREEDOM? so you think i didn't lose mine? you are so selfish I pushed every outing i have on Saturday; do you know? i'm not you i sacrifice and i don't COUNT OUT LOUD! NOW I AM DOING IT BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED !
j) What have you SINCERELY made for me? i can tell you NOTHING! If you count a white paper enveloped STAPLED very sincere. and after i complained? You know i've never received something i can keep from you; something more valuable. Yet all your gifts i took at least A WEEK to make them.
k) YOU NEVER WROTE YOU LOVED ME ON MSN BEFORE! YOU NEVER DID.
l) YOU NEVER WANTED TO TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP AT FIRST; ITS LIKE I DON'T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU
m) You even made me cry during exam!! all i wanted was to be with you. spend more time with you. YOU PUSHED ME AWAY to watch football; and its not like i didn't let you. "don't you need to study?" YES I NEED TO, YET I WAS THERE BECAUSE I'M AFRAID YOU ARE BORED! YET YOUR WORDS HURT ME SO BADLY!
n) Inception was such an important thing to you right? that your gf's feeling totally don't matter! I can't even be compared to a stupid show.
o) You can raise your voice to me.. you can "fat lan cha" all you want now. It does not concern me anymore.
p) The wall paper of yr laptop was never me. Mine was always us.
q) Even christmas; my sisters wedding you made me angry. What else sweet memories have i left with you? Maybe you have a lot; because i pour my love towards you always. You never did the same. You are calculative; you complain....
Its the last time i'm ever going to cry my way home from work. Last time.... Talking without action is you..
Dad&Mum, thanks for being supportive with whatever decision i make. Thank you for not nagging; its really the least i needed right now. Thanks for telling me "I told you so" haha, which i predicted from you two..
I waited for your text on Saturday; i thought you would ask me to go to church with you. You didn't even mention.. it doesn't matter anymore. Really...
I have never been this angry before....
Monday, August 9, 2010
10:15 PM
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I'm currently reading this book called "somewhere in between" I didn't purposely pick the book from my cupboard it was such coincidence....
What's so weird about this happening is because; it resembles so much to what is currently happening to me.. Everything the girl character thought of was exactly on my mind. It is so similar - that reading it seems creepy. Sometimes i think books actually pick their readers instead of readers picking the books. Its like they know~
As I read, and i think... many many things again. I remembered the days when you used to court me. It was SO different. It actually feels like you love me... but as time passed by... things seems so different.. do you realize?
I gave you many chances but every time you just disappoint me over and over again. I confirm you that you're thinking i'm pushing the blame; when really I am the one... and you're the victim. At first i thought i was... but right till the end i know i wasn't; i read back my past posts which tells me many many things.
It highlights the cracks. Cracks none of us realized. I remembered you scolded me for being jealous and i said then; that you should be happy when i am; because you actually meant a lot to me. But now i don't think i feel much of it anymore. My heart doesn't really ache when i saw you commenting on other girls profile. At that point it freaks me... really does.
I always felt that when i'm giving you 100% of my love; you just tried to push away. You needed your freedom.. Now, i'm really giving you your 100% freedom back. I'm tired. I'm so tired... Its time for you to be more independent. I need a long break from all this.
Really.. what happens in the future; who can predict?
PS: i cut my hair :
Alright off to bed now~ loves
Saturday, August 7, 2010
8:02 PM
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Have anyone ever told you this before?
" hey, if you like/love someone else please tell me okay? T_T "
LOL much?
Had a fun funnn funn Kuala Lumpur half day trip ;) Eye opening definitely and super SUM TONG. ~.~ those whom went with me will know why :P
I had BEEEFFF nooodlessss today! YIPEEEE~ after like 1 n half yrs never eat really miss it =( Though its not the best shop or the shop i always ate at but still it taste REALLIIEEE good because i missed it shooo much. :) BEEF NOODLES one more round guys? :P PLEASSEEEEEE *big big eyes* i wan the hor cheng yuen oneeee =(
Oh, and we had muarr cheeeeee + cendol as dessert too~~~ Thumbssss up!!
PC fair was just -_- omg. PUSHY,STUFY,JAM but nonetheless many things to see; so pretty FUN overall :)
I would Love KL if its not so "chap" because banyak benda to look at :D its like going to malacca jonkers hehehe~~~
I realize i haven't laughed so freely and happily for a long long time and i'm not in a mall/cinema on a SATURDAY. WOOOHOOO I've found myself officially because now i know i'm doing the things i like :)
what if i tell you all i don't wanna get married at all? :P
PS: Dobermans' & Lamborginis' are damn leng chai + Yeng CHAI okay? :)
Till the end i still love labradorrrr/ labrador retriever are so cute when they're young and so handsome when they're grown up. EIII~~~ want to rare two of em next time (name them Edge & Max) :D
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