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Wednesday, March 11, 2009 7:54 PM

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It is the 11th today, first of all would like to wish Jaya ;

Happy 18th Birthday Honey ! ^^
you're finally legal-
& i misssss ya loads, though we're neighbours we hardly even meet =(

& also welcome back my darling ; Ling SHIN !! You'Re HOMEEE finally !!! x)

19 more hours, Spm results will be released-
part of me wants to see my own results yet another part of me doesn't want to.
Yes tht blardy contradicting feeling you actually have-

No one can actually tell how i feel right now ; unless of course you're me.
Others jst seems so calm, not worried at all.. i dunno why i couldnt even force myself to smile wht not laugh?-

I lost appetite totally. I didnt eat since 2am in the morning yest.

Sometimes i wish i hadn't done well for my trials and forecast, then less hopes will be on me.
Less hopes, less worries..

What if i dun get a shower of A's?
What if it is worst than my forecast?
what if...............

i really don't wanna type what is flowing thru my brains now because it is to terrifying even for myself.

I really want a shoulder to cry on ~

I need the courage in the world to collect my results tmr- courage...
Can i have my parents take it for me? and dun tell me forever?

It rly sucks when the whole world knows you're the one collecting results ;
because if things turned out bad then...
you'll be showered with questions like HOW MANY A's??? when deep down in you dont even wanna answer because it
embarasses.

I feel like a body without soul.

I'm still wondering how am i going to fall asleep tonite...

Taking results is way worst than sitting for the paper ; i'm not ready nor prepared to take the piece of ppr
with alphabets and numbers written side by side.

It sucks even worst when you've had an experience in form 3 ; getting the worst results ever in yr life..
If things isn't bad enough, screwing up college tests when you DID study-

So what if i screwed up my SPM when i DID STUDIED? what if all my hard work doesnt pay off?
What if those sleepless nites, coffee-ing days, sick but still study days didn't pay off at all??

WHAT HAPPENS THEN?

Who will know how much you've suffered?

Even when you sleep you think about history, names after names of historians come out from yr dreams.
A.Math & Math formulas you recite even when you're sleeping.
Moral definitions you stick on every wall u can see in yr room, reading it in the dark while you try to catch
up on the 4 hr of daily sleep.
Quitting all your activities, fav sports jst for the damn test.
8 hours freezing in that effing library.
Praying to God, hoping time will pass slower so that there is more time to do revision.
The nausea you have before the exam.
& those horrible dreams you have at night ; everyone having flying colours, yet.. mine was bad.
What if that dream came true?-

I really can't think of anything else i can do to release my feelings besides typing it all out;;

i still rmb pn leow said to us "do you want to see yrself smiling happily away with yr results slip or crying away?"

Of course everyone wished to be the smiling one, but not everyone will be-

I'm afraid, i really am... so many ppl are taking the results together yet here i am panicking and worrying;
I know i am useless, maybe even hopeless. But failures sometimes bring me too much fear that i couldnt overcome.

My mind keeps asking itself,
do you think you've studied enough for yr spm?
do you think you can manage to get A?
do you think you wrote yr answers long enuf?
do you think you made any careless mistakes?
are 100% sure you've done yr best?

And no was all my answer to the above ;
I'm so freaking worried..

I've been typing for the past 30minutes, ranting and ranting about this all. Yet i am still feeling afraid..

This fear is really fear, it sends shiver to all over yr body. Worst than being afraid that yr deepest secret
being told out- far worst;

Can someone hit me tmr? make me faint so that i won't need to go to the school and see my own results with my
own eyes?

What if i don even get 5 credits?? what if i get kicked out from my foundation course?
What if i lay too high hopes?
What if i failed something?

I dunno why everything i'm thinking is all negative thoughts;;
I wish i could be more positive -

All i can do now is sit down cry and pray to God. Hoping for the best tmr --

As i end this post it will be exactly 18 hours before everything ~
18 more.. jst 18...

The Day We've all been waiting for ~

Currently 14 more hrs-