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Saturday, June 14, 2008 12:19 AM

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its 12.20 am now..

I can't sleep at all, my head is aching as if its going to split apart. Why does this gotta happen every single year? yes i have to admit i have done badly for my mid terms. So bad that i myself can't really accept certain failures. I was trying my best to not let my emotions ccover me and you are all trying your best to let that happen. Congratulations you have done it!

I have no idea how am i going to continue my life anymore, i have no idea how can i still continue studying in my very unstable emotion. As i was sitting outside just now i started hurting myself with greatest shock i felt no pain. Sucidal thoughts is gushing thru my brains now.

I didn't ask to fail, i worked for it not fully but i worked you saw it. Why do you have to use tuitions to threaten me? why does it have to be like this all the time? why does it have to be my mum that doesn't understands me most? why does my sister have to be such an idiot to tell her when i am not ready. why does she like to play with my emotions?'

I can't help but compare why other ppl's parents are willing to pay 1k plus for their child and yet they still fail. Yet still their parents never gave up, they continue motivating the child, continued supporting. Why is my mum so different? why does she have to complain over the amount of money paid for 7 subjects? why does she likes to demotivate me? Why does she like to tell me how i cannot enter college. Or how she wont pay for my college fees?

This term i paid so much attention over my sciences but they failed me, i too am speechless. She saw me worked, she saw me studied not alot but i studied. Yet she have to do such things to me. I'm tired, so tired of this happening over and over again. I showed my phys paper to my teacher and he said my form 4 base is not strong, thts the reason i screwed the paper. He asked me to join his form 4 class, but knowing that my parents had to pay more i did not want to burden them, i did not go. I did not think aloud. And now this is what i get from my mum. She threw my books which i jst bought tht i havent even done, saying tht i never do workbook.

She blamed me for not studying over my poor results yet she saw with her own eyes i studied. She called me a liar for making empty promises; not realizing it was trials tht i aimed. I thought so much for my parents yet inturn they are doing such things to me. She asked to stop my tuition, she blamed my tuition teachers... she screwed my emotions. I should be studying for my trials now but she really screwed my whole life now.

I told hao i jst have a feeling i will screw my trials like how i screwed this exam, yes indeed i think it will happen and i know why. I'm tired of speaking to her because she will never listen to me. She said i kept results from her but i jst had full results today. I told dad about what i got, i did not hide. At least my dad understands, i already told him to not expect anything frm this exam, he accepted wht it is, why can't she?

I was shocked today my bio teacher actually said i improved ; better den last year, and she can see i worked hard for my paper. But i need to work harder to get A. Altough i did way worst den last time but at least she saw the effort i put in tht paper, that really helped me alot from crying away. Although i was really disappointed, no fail but i have never scored so low for biology before. I was also very glad that pn cheong wrote something tht really motivated me in my moral paper although i got only 45, from 65 i dropped because i screwed my essay.

I paid attention on 3 subjects and they all failed me. I can't help it either. I'm being blamed now, being demotivated. I think maybe i die then they'll be very happy you know? maybe this month end i will kill myself already since she will not allow me to go tuition why bother working hard anymore? why bother going to college, going 6 feet underground will be easier den she'll be happy i guess they all will.

Although i will miss my dad, my granny,my sis, my really good friends. I'd rather be a ghost, in heavens or hell den stay here and suffer. Moreover global warming is happening really fast its a matter of die now or later. my emotions are really screwed now, so screwed tht i wanted to jst die.

Even if i stab myself now i dun even think i can feel it, the numbness i am going thru now is jst intense. If anything happens to me, wtv that is left of me give them away to the needies, thats all i ask for, wtv u do to my dead body i don't care anymore.