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Thursday, June 28, 2007 7:44 PM

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I have never been like this in my whole life before..
So weird.
I felt so weird myself.
However mad i am last time i still talk, and laugh over it.
I juz can't seem to do it now.
I am strenghtless.
I felt useless.
I felt fed-up.
I wanna cry, but i can't.
I wanna scream it all out i can't either.
Even talking to da person dat can make me laugh no matter wad didn't help either.
I felt like a blardy loser.
I am like a robot, emotionless.
I managed to pretend like nuthing happened at skewl
pretending is hard.
When i dun hv da mood, i juz don't.

Its so worthless arguing abt my life anymore.
My life is nvr mine.
Maybe you are right you oni hv 2 daughters.

Pride (taken fm Jill) - I FEEL YOU!!!

Maybe they don't see it. Maybe they see but don't feel the need to. But deep down inside, we all want our parents to say it. We all long to hear those words, that's the only reason why we bother going to school and staying up all night studying while people are out partying. We want them so say "i'm proud of you." But they never do. Growing up in an uptight chinese home is pure torture. Sure, there is the culture, the traditions and all that jazz...but there's also the stress and pressure that our parents put us through. My mum constantly reminds me that "without a degree you are nobody and will get no where". I sometimes feel so insecure it's amazing that i even get through the day. When my peers bitch about how hard it is to get grades while still trying to keep sane and not end up comitting suicide, they are the one's who have elder siblings. I honestly know how they feel when they have to put up with their parents complaining about their "just credit in math" and "pass in Chemistry" a credit is never enough, a pass isn't either. Our parents expect distinctions from us and when we don't live up to that expectation...the whole world just seems to fall apart and laugh cruelly in our faces. We have siblings, cousins, friends and oh i don't know...random family friends' to compete with. With me, it's like every grade i get is not good enough. Before Mid terms Loony said "just try passing everything, i know it's hard but you have to try. Yor sisters could do it" and i said fine. So i passed my weakest subjects with an 8E and still they're unhappy. What am i suppose to do...cheat? i wish i could eat a pill and make it all go away. I wish they would stop comparing me because i know and they know that i've achieved so much and more through this entire 6 months. Maybe not on paper, but in me...i do feel like i've achieved something i've always wanted to. Even to this day, teachers still compare me to my sisters, and i still hate being called "____ 's sister" I have a name. And it's very degrading to be known like that. Sometimes, i feel like good is not enough and that i'm suppose to achieve something BEYOND this realm. Something so major it would make everyone happy except me. I don't even know if i can live to study what i want in College. Loony would probably kill me before any of his 3 girls study something else besides law. I'm always the one breaking "legacies". But i am the one who starts my own. I don't intend to be known as someone's sister or someone's daughter all my life. but now i wonder, if i'll ever get the chance to. Grades are all that matter. Happiness is second class and respect is a must all the way. Sometimes i wish this whole thing wouldn't feel so rigid.... It's not that i'm angsty because i want to, i don't feel joy in being angry you know. It's just one of those little things that is hard to explain to people. I'm a born worrier, i hyper ventilate when i don't bring my books and freak out when i "lose" them. I'm under all this stress at school, at home...and sometimes i wonder if people are alert enough to see that. Rish and i console one another over sibling arguements and mounts of work that we have to do. I don't like skipping class, especially not math. It's bad enough i have to do math on my own i can't ask anyone but my friends because everyone has "supposedly" forgotten. see? what's he bloody point of going to High school when i'm forget everything in 2 years time. My life/social life revolves around tuitions. I have to listen to my parents nag and i have to run nonesensical errands for tom, dick and harry. Everybody living with me is partially disabled you see, they can't look for their stuff on their own, they can't pick up the phone and call people, they can't work the office equipment on their own and they can't print rubbish out on their own. So since I'M the only one who has hands, legs and a mind i have to do everything. It's only logical right? Since i'm always stuck doing some person's dirty work. I've never had self confidence when it comes to work. Somehow, debating changed that. I think it was Sabrina when she tortured us for 2 weeks before the Zone competition...i learned to believe from debating. Something the X said will always haunt me "you look down too much on yourself" when he said it, i was hurt..then i realized that i do. I do because where i'm from, the term mediocre does not exist and excellence is something needed in order to live.

Btw, Grats Jill for bagging a BRONZE back x)
All those hard works n naggings muz hv been worth it afterall =)
Self satisfactionary is rated top =)